Douglas Milewski (dacuteturtle) wrote,
Douglas Milewski
dacuteturtle

Terrorist Alert

I got a juicy rumor. The President should be announcing this soon. The US will soon be hit with another wave of terror. This one happens every December around the 24-25th (Christmas Eve). The President will announce "The War on Christmas."

The Christmas terrorist goes by many pseudonyms, including Santa Clause, Father Christmas, and Chris Kringle. He apparently chose Christmas as a time of terror, as it is usually a time of joy, and citizens are not watchful. He does not carry a passport. He secretly crosses into the US illegally. He routinely eludes the efforts of US immigration, NSA, CIA, and FBI.

This terrorist routinely violates US airspace in a supersonic aircraft. His aircraft is stealthy, and is undetectable by US radar installations. He violates White House airspace. This aircraft is capable of landing on extremely small runways, reportedly as small as the roof of a single house. He breaks and enters into billions of homes each Christmas eve. Scientists have calculated that in order to travel his route, Santa produces megatons of energy through friction with the air. His vehicle is a weapon of mass destruction and could be used to attack our way of life.

Santa gives away many toys to girls and boys. This damages the US economy, and puts American citizens out of work. As you know, Christmas keeps retailers afloat. If Christmas sales drop too much, it could trigger a vast wave of financial failures, and cause billions of dollars of damage to the economy. Santa appears to be targeting this weak spot in the US economy.

Santa Clause is a religious fanatic. He is supported by an elaborate financial network manned by a cult of followers. Dressed all alike, and giving up their individual identities, they collect monies, reportedly for charity, but instead channel these monies are through complex transactions to support his base, code-named "North Pole." (Intelligence suspects that this base is in Iran or North Korea.) This base has a permanent population of cultists who are experts in designing and manufacturing weapons of mass destruction. Santa routinely distributes "toy" weapons to children in order to bring them into his cultist fold. These deluded children act as informants to him, sending him coded messages through every conceivable format. He is known to assemble this information into vast intelligence reports.

Santa’s factories operate outside of any environmental supervision, and it is estimated by scientists that Santa is the number one contributor of carbon to the atmosphere, thus causing global warming.

Be careful on Christmas day. Every year, this terrorist leaves packages all over the world, and people innocently open them. THESE PACKAGES ARE DANGEROUS. Please call your local police department. These packages should be disposed of by trained professionals, and should be considered lethal. If you encounter this terrorist, do not engage him. Call 911 immediately. With your help, we can apprehend this enemy combatant, and bring his reign of terror to and end.
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